HEALING A BROKEN HEART.

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I woke up this morning and something felt different.

A weird peace within that felt so calming, like a weight had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe again.

If we take a few steps back…

I'd had great hopes for 2015.

I was so sure that after such an awful end to 2014, what with breaking up with my boyfriend after 7 years because he broke my heart, moving out of our home and essentially starting from scratch things could only get better, right?

Wrong.

On Valentine’s Day he got engaged.

I thought I knew what it meant to be heartbroken, at the bottom of the bottom - until Facebook greeted me with a shiny ring and two deliriously happy faces declaring their love for one another.

Earth shattering, soul destroying, emotionally draining, all-consuming news that left me feeling like a shell of who I was.

After a matter of months how was it possible for him to be in love with someone else, let alone engaged? I felt every emotion all at once, my body ached with sadness, my anxiety levels went through the roof and I threw up from the shock. I was so unbelievably furious, too. After so many years, all that love we'd built together and he didn’t even have the decency to tell me himself? My god I hate Facebook.

I questioned my self-worth. I mean if he didn’t want to marry me after all that time and chose her to be his wife after 5 fucking minutes, what did that say about me? About us?

And who the hell was he, now? The man I'd grown with, loved, cherished?

I don't know this man, I thought. This man is absolutely insane.

It all felt a bit too dramatic really – this is the sort of crap that goes down in Eastenders, not real life. I spent weeks numb to the world, avoiding contact with anyone, I figured if I just ignored the situation it would go away.

I was flooded with messages from my friends, his friends, my family and I didn’t care what they had to say. The whole thing felt incredibly embarrassing, you know? I simply didn’t want everyone to know that we had failed and he had found someone else, someone he clearly held in a much higher regard. I wanted the world to swallow me up and spit me out as someone new.

Every day since has been a struggle. I’m tired, exhausted actually. Every person I encounter infuriates me and I’m wishing the day away so that I can go back to bed and think about him without any interruptions.

Until today.

I woke up this morning and something felt different.

A weird peace within that felt so calming, like a weight had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe again.

I realised that it’s down to me, no-one else, to move myself forward.

It's going to suck for the longest time. And my mind is going to go through all the scenarios and feel all the emotions over and over again.I’ll never be able to forget and the feeling won’t ever go away completely – I truly believe something like this you carry with you forever, simply manifested in different ways.

But I can make it easier on myself, if I want to.

I can get up, play my favourite song, brush my hair, put on some mascara and my favourite top and maybe just those four simple things will help make the day a little better.

I can say yes to opportunities, not avoid them.

I can tell everyone I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

I can surround myself with positive people.

I can move forward.

I can heal the brokenness.

I can.

And I am.

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