When You Are Little You Wish To Be Big.
Sharing Your Story #1
Welcome back to the blog and our first submission via our Join the Conversation platform. Today’s story is anonymous - at Listen Louder we completely understand the gravity of sharing such sensitive information and being able to do so without any pressure of identity is important.
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When you are little you wish to be big.
To escape the childhood dramas of teenage friendships and crushes. To not be judged on not having the latest mobile phone or be told you are a loser by the friends you choose to have.
When you are bigger you wish to be smaller.
The silly dramas of the school playground seem so much easier to deal with than adulting. Responsibilities, real heart break, getting a job, becoming the parent at times when you are still growing yourself.
I’m strong I tell myself. I can do this.
My first real relationship left me as “ damaged goods”. I was controlled, emotionally and physically abused. I lost myself and to this day, I still don’t quite know who I am.
One volatile relationship led to another and slowly I just began to barely exist. My GP told me tablets. Finding the right one made me a neurotic, anxious mess. I tried counselling and I felt like my troubles were nothing compared to other people’s. I stopped the counselling and the tablets and tried to gain some control of my life again.
Then last year I met someone and I thought this is it!!! I’m starting to feel something again.
Then I took an overdose and ended up spending a week in a crisis house.
This year so far has been the worst. I’ve had days where I sleep, and waking up is not on my list of things to do. Sometimes I eat and sometimes I don’t. I think I’m not good enough for anyone and will never be. I’ve lost a job because I’d spend more time in the toilets crying and make mistakes in simple tasks. I’ve isolated myself from my friends and through that I have found the ones who truly care I could count on one hand.
Every morning I wake up and get through the day is an achievement for me.
Slow and steady wins the race I guess.
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