Don’t Give Up, Don’t Run

Sharing Your Story #6

The following post is part of Listen Louder’s Join The Conversation - a platform for individuals to share their experience with Mental Health. Please remember everyone’s story is just that, their own. With that in mind, when interacting with content please be mindful with your response. 

Eighteen years old only. It sounds like too little time lived to think that you can not deal with nothing anymore.

From when I was young, a little distracted girl, I only wanted to make my parents proud of me. I was the genius of my school. But it didn't matter, mom would never look at me, she didn't want a child, she only needed a servant and having my dad close to her.

This little child started growing older. She discovered what she liked, her own stile, her dream and who she liked. Girls. Yas, a lesbian one. One more problem to deal with when mommy found out, but I could escape when I got out and started living on my own at 16. Also there was that certain someone who liked that grownup girl and it really wasn't love, it was obsession. Let's call her a stalker and sexual abuser.

But it doesn't matter, I even dealed with that. The another problem came. New girlfriend. I really liked her, she was my precious girl, but something went wrong. Don't know what, but it went so damn wrong that an angel turned into a demon, and an aggressive. Yes, this time we're talking about domestic violence. Obviously insults and hits every day were my routine. But what to do? I loved her.

Even though it was infernal I kept struggling and begging her to see a psychiatrist with me. Didn't realised I was just wasting my time. After a lot more drama I ended it, not only because of the violence, but also because se was cheating at me with 5 different people.

Nevermind, another bad chapter to the story. Now started a new chapter again, wishing it didn't went that bad. Or at least it wouldn't be even worse because at that time I already had depression for a long time and I was hurting my self so much. Just felt like every bad thing that happened was all my fault.

But let's keep going with our history. After a few more girlfriends, most of them bas experiences but not like the previous one, I found this girl. She was kinda weird. I didn't mean to have something with her, actually, I was just playing truth or dare and I had to talk to someone I didn't knew. It's not like she was a super model or something like that, but when I saw her photo I was curious about her age. What a surprise when I knew we were the same age. But let's make long story short: I started to feel something (not love, like or similar, just something nice that I could not name) and I knew that she also felt that something for me. Well, the D-Day came and she confessed. I told my self, why not? You two are separated fro a whole ocean, she can not hit you, and there's also that "something".

We started going out the next day. She is really, like really really straight. Not embarrassed of saying anything, totally different from me. I tried to run a couple of times because I was scared. I knew I was changing, didn't know if that was good or bad. I stopped hurting my self because she found aut and it made her so damn sad and I didn't want to make her feel like that. But another problem appeared when things looked a little better for me.

Stalker-chan, hello.

She would kiss me, touch me and insist about being together all the time. She twice got into my house without permission.

It stressed me out and made my girlfriend sad, but she didn't leave me. She kept on supporting me and letting me know that she was there for me. It was difficult like hell getting out of this situation, but I made it. As soon as I escaped from that stalker, depression come back really hard again.

I started loving that girl, real love, but she is so far away from me. Problems with my parents still there also, that's why everything just teared me down. I didn't cut myself anymore, but I joined to boxing fights that kept hurting me. Also I consumed too much alcohol and even drugs once. Ended up at the hospital after drugs because a problem with my heart.

There are only problems in my life: with my parents, school, time, love... Everything. And I try so hard to keep going, I know that at least there is someone for me, but everything just make me think that something could go wrong again...

I know that she told me all this things and I tried to understand her the most I can. I'm not the girl in the story, I'm the one she spoke her preoccupations and problems, I'm that girl who's too far from her. The one that she wants to be hugged by and that person who she needs to be told by that everything is going to be alright.

I myself, I keep trying. I'm not you, I can't really know how you feel, but I try so damn much because I love you. And I want to let you know that everything is really going to be ok. Maybe not right now, maybe you will be stuck for a while, but hang in there my lovely girl, because I know that you can overcome this. Not on your own, don't keep trying to run away from me because you're scared to love an to be loved. I will be there for you all the time. I want to be there for you, and being physically here doesn't mean that I can't be withyou. My minde, my heart and all my feelings are there. You just need to properly look at my words and how I act to know it.

I love you. There's always at least one person who do, so please keep fighting. Don't give up, don't run.

I love you, and the happiness you wished for one day will come.

Please, just keep trying. I love you and I wish I could see the day when you feel for yourself what I feel for you.

- Rebeca Sophia

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