CHOOSING ME.
Life is a constant experience, and those experiences shape us as people, every day.
And just this last week I realised something new about my journey.
That being so badly hurt, when I'd placed all my trust in someone, has lead me from being quite the pushover, to a bit of a tough cookie.
I have a soft side, don't get me wrong. I'm a bit like a jammy dodger - hard on the outside and gooey in the middle. I still care. I still feel. I still love. I just do it in a much more logical way.
Gone are the days of me squashing my personality to fit someone else's mould. I know what I'm capable of, I know what I can compromise and I know what I can't. But I've realised that it's so easy to let yourself fall back in to that place, the place where you feel if you say what you want or need you'll be penalised - and that maybe it would be better to just keep quiet and carry on dissatisfied than facing your thoughts head on. But every time I feel myself slip, I get back up and keep pushing on.
Sometimes I worry, I worry that makes me seem like I lack compassion, empathy. But deep down, I know I don't. I think we're constantly convincing ourselves, albeit subconsciously, that we don't deserve to be happy and so we suppress feelings to compensate that.
'Oh I could never be brave enough to do, or say that' is something I hear time and time again. And I was always the person that couldn't either. Like it was the scariest thing in the world to own my opinions, my feelings. Until I made a promise to myself that I would and that I wouldn't look back.
Because for me, honesty is the best policy. I never want to hurt anyone, let anyone down, and so with that I have to keep in mind that what I want or need to be happy is important too. Actually, it's imperative to a successful relationship - be-it with my partner, my best friend or my family. How can I make someone else happy, if I can't even be honest of what I can put in to that relationship? How can I make someone else happy if I can't even be honest about who I really am?
It's not been easy, to let my word vomit blurt out rather than biting my tongue. And I don't mean I've become brash and overly outspoken, I just mean that when a feeling arises, I face it. I'm truthful. And you know what? That seems to be working out okay.Being fearful of being yourself doesn't feel like the best life to me. And that's what I want to strive for, the best life. Because we only get one and it would be such a shame to waste it on not being who you're meant to be.If you're reading this and thinking 'THAT'S ME! I DO THAT!', know that it's probably not all you. There may have been people who contributed to you not feeling like you could step up to be yourself. But ultimately, the decision is always with us. To break away from any other mould than the one that fits you just right. There's still room for others to snuggle on in and keep you company, but it's your mould - not theirs.Because if I'm totally honest with myself, I love this version of me way more than the squashed version I was before. And I know that it makes everyone else that cares about me happier, too. And I know that 'cause they tell me so.In short, I choose me. I'm choosing me. Choosing to acknowledge what makes me happy and letting everyone who matters know that too.Because it's okay to want that. It's okay to want to be happy.
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